How we choose to respond affects everything…compassionate listening.

We live in a world of rapid communication. Whether we are emailing, texting or speaking to each other, our responses are quick. They are expected to be so. Rarely is time taken to pause. To reflect, savor, mull. Though when that does happen, in person, it feels like a magical moment. There is a feeling of presence. Perhaps a deepening of connection.

I often think about things metaphorically. I love to make soup and it feels an appropriate metaphor that resonates with this quote from Martha Graham.

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.”

Each and every ingredient in a soup changes the flavor, even if subtlety. Each and every response we make changes the flavor, the course, the direction of what follows in connection with self and other.

Though there are countless ways to respond to another; I want to share three that I have been living into of late. Here’s my example: a friend writes to me that he just doesn’t feel like he can ever give me enough (time) and he doesn’t know what to do. He says he is just being honest.

#1 I can hear criticism and complaining. I can beat myself up that I am too needy. I can think he probably doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. He’s not as into the friendship as I am. I can respond from a hurt and angry place.

#2 I can wonder what might be going on for him that he would say that. I can imagine that he might be feeling frustrated and possibly needing more choice in how much I contact him. Or that he is having a lot to juggle and just needs a bit more space. I can remember that whatever he says really isn’t about me but an expression of what’s up for him. I can remember to not take it personally.

#3 I can choose to be vulnerable and share that hearing that, I feel sad/confused/??. And I can think the best of him, that he was expressing his needs in a way that was hard to hear. I can ask for what I need (clarity about what is behind his statement) and encourage him to share his needs. This might support us to be able to negotiate a strategy together that takes both of us into account.