Life…a sexually transmitted, terminal disease.
There will be people who take exception to calling life a disease. I meant it to be funny when I first wrote it. But then I thought about it. Life does have plenty of dis-ease in it. Especially now!
ease /ēz
noun
- absence of difficulty or effort.
- Similar: effortlessness; no difficulty; no trouble; no bother
3. Opposite: difficulty; uneasy; troublesome; bothersome;
verb
- make (something unpleasant, painful, or intense) less serious or severe.
- “a huge road-building program to ease congestion”
Similar: relieve; alleviate; mitigate; assuage; allay; soothe; soften; palliate
Opposite: aggravate; irritate; harden; stir up; create friction; painful
Our world is experiencing such dis-ease. I can’t help but wonder what John would be thinking about all this.
I can’t help but wonder what John is thinking period. He died February 25th, 2020. One month ago, against ten years of being in each other’s pockets, living, working, traveling, playing…almost always by each other’s side. Best friends. Twin flames. Truest of loves.
I had begun to explore the Death Cafe culture, home DIY deaths, death doula work, years ago. Giving birth at home in 1979, 1982 and 1987, dying at home seemed the way to go. Now 5 months after supporting my almost 90 year old mom to die at home and weeks after my husband has crossed the threshold, I can say, it’s quite a feat to accomplish; it’s gritty, heartbreaking, holy and hard.
The 24/7 of the task was a huge challenge for me. I did have phone support from Hospice and tremendous help from John’s daughter, son, sister and friends. The biggest challenge was watching my beloved heading towards the end of his earthly life. All the training in the world will not prepare you for the deep grief, mystery and longing to make it all better. Or how to deal with the level of exhaustion that takes over. Or hoping that you are doing it all correctly!
I dearly wish to know if he is OK now; happy, feeling loved, at peace. Do these even apply? Did I do him right in the way I cared for him? Especially in that last week as he became less communicative, more inward, incapacitated. Not one to usually second guess myself, I just wish I could hear from him somehow.
There’s so much for me to do now to wrap up two lives. All the belongings; what do I keep? And as each day goes by, I feel my missing of him more. I forget for a moment that we are not just been apart so I can visit one of my children. We are now forever apart in this physical realm, until again. I feel him sometimes first thing in the morning while I am not fully embodied. It’s a warm heavy loving blanket of a feeling that seems to be filling up the whole room. But, it’s not enough...
I’ve made it through another day. Cleaned out all of my mom’s closets and taken all her clean clothes to the local Love in Action. That was hard. I just so wish we had found our way better together. I so wish I could have loved her in life like I find myself doing now, with all my heart. Appreciating how damn adorable she was. Competent. Amazing. Why weren’t we able to be more tender with each other? Have more fun together? I think I know the part I played and I tell her everyday, out loud, how sorry I am. If I had known then what I know now, I would have been able to make different choices.
Don’t get me wrong. My mom loved me and I her. We were both proud of each other, it just could have been so much better…it’s so easy for my grieving of my mom and my grieving of my husband to run together.
Back to my dear husband. Longing to really know, to the deepest core of my being that he is OK. Maybe I could have a dream about him. One of those dreams that is so real I’d wake up feeling like we had been together. I had one of those ten months after my Dad died. It is a story worth sharing. But I’ll save it for another day.
I miss so much about John. His crazy happy lit up eyes of joy to see me every morning. His humor- improvisational, dry, zany- just a damn funny guy! He collected new music from all over the world and we loved listening to it together. Kitchen dances grabbed in between cooking dinner, such a wonderful creative dance partner. Hiking, biking, swimming, laughing. We had a deep enduring and profound love for each other. I will always love him.
I bump into my grief at most unexpected moments. A pair of plastic egg cups that he used to put our vitamins in, his undershirt unexpectedly in the laundry, his favorite cereal in the grocery store. These have unleashed great heaving sobs of Why? How could this be true? I want him back!
I have been working on this piece for the past month. It’s time to let it go out into the world. Into this crazy CoVid-19 pandemic panic… please put things into perspective.
Oh and John, anytime you want to get in touch, I’m here, my heart wide open.
