The biggest PS of my life so far…
I returned today from the island I left my husband’s body on almost six months ago. He left his body February 25th, 2020. Some people say he died. Others call it Crossing the Threshold or passing over. Rudolf Steiner called the dead the “so-called dead”. He says the dead never leave us; it is a birth into the spiritual world; a death of the physical body. Well I am sure missing that physical body. His voice, his incredible way of being alive. I guess maybe some people are so-called alive. Not John. He was so genuinely happy to see me every morning. Arms thrown into the air with the joy of it all.
Tuesday I swam across the lake and back in my shorty wetsuit without John for the first time. I searched the sky. I wept. I wondered why. As I drove home from visiting with friends I saw the huge stump 100+ years old with the young trees growing up like a ‘spiky do’ that we always smiled at. Life loving life. Nothing can stop it. I wept.
I felt the closet to him being there. There where we had lived some of the best days of our ten years together. A more raw deep ache of missing you grows.
Where are you now? I felt so clear before you died. As connected as any two people could be, I was sure I’d feel you with me. Palpably. Distinctly. Comfortingly. I do not. I talk with you each night and invite you to join me in my dreams. I long to see, hear, and touch you if only in a dream, but so far you have not come. I just want to call you!
I push in the drawers to your dresser that I moved yet again, now filled with my clothes. Why did I ever get irritated that you never fully closed the drawers? That line from a Joni Mitchell song so damn true. ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone’… Of course I did. And I didn’t.
You were such a special being. Such a bright light. Such a tender soul. Will I ever stop missing you?
And funny thing, with all this emotion, I also feel ready to fall in love again. How could this be? I love being in love, loving someone fully. Sure, I have many friends and three grown children and three granddaughters to indulge with all this love energy. But it’s not the same.
Two months later… PS:
Since first writing this, John did speak to me. Right there in the middle of Target doing a household shop for my daughter! He said “it’s time to take off the necklace sweetheart”. ( I was wearing his greenstone necklace from New Zealand-we had bought them for each other and worn them for ten years) I grabbed it and started to cry, “Why?” “I want you to use it so I can answer your questions” I assumed he meant for me to use it as a pendulum. It swings back and forth for a yes and side to side for a no.
So I stood waiting for my coffee order at my next stop and thought, if you can contact me in the middle of Target, I can ask my questions here! Holding the necklace by the waxed black string, chisel shaped GreenStone hanging down I asked ‘Are you at peace?’. Ever so slowly the stone began to swing yes. It picked up momentum. I sobbed with relief. ‘Are you upset with me about anything from that last week of your life?’ Ever so slowly it began to swing no. It picked up momentum. And then he said, “Sweetheart, you fall in love with everyone, who’s next? Let yourself move forward, I’ll help you.” And I think maybe he already has. But writing that story needs to wait.
